


Blue Burns Brightest

by judyhard1ng



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bi-Curiosity, Canon Rewrite, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, hints at smut, no beta because i'm sixteen and tired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:13:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judyhard1ng/pseuds/judyhard1ng
Summary: Deanna's experience with soulmate marks hasn't been easy. Beverly's hasn't been a piece of cake either. The two grow over 6 years serving together, their bond shifting and molding like sand.
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Deanna Troi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [einspunkteins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/einspunkteins/gifts), [porridgewhore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/porridgewhore/gifts), [greenieboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenieboy/gifts).



> hi lovelies! oceans got so much support that i knew i HAD to write something else for these ladies! quarantine has not been good for the gays mental health so i have come to give you a serotonin boost! i love you all! wear a mask and make sure to have a snack!
> 
> <3 heath

Soulmate marks. Even in the 24th century, these mysterious blotches managed to outwit scientists of all kinds. Composed of a substance that comprised undiscovered elements, permanently fused to skin, and unique for every pair or trio or group, they baffled the world for years.

It seemed like humanity had been studying them since the beginning. Ancient cave paintings managed to depict paired homo erectus with matching blotches next to them. Medieval etchings and stylizations depicted kings and queens bearing matching crosses and flowers on their wrists. Renaissance paintings had swirling vines and rivers painted on the lower back, matching with mates again.

The weird thing about these marks is that they seemed to be sentient. As the art style, cultural awareness, and philosophical sophistication of human society increased, so did the elaborateness of the soulmate marks. Once other species were discovered, they too talked about their soulmate marks.

For some cultures, they were a simple cluster of dots and diamonds still, while others were elaborate still lifes of objects. The most interesting discovery came when a pre-warp species had the mark of one of the Federation spies posted on the planet to show their progress.

At this time, the scientific agreement of the Federation was that the marks moved across history to a body part relatively all species had. This happened to be the neck for now. The spy in question saw a roaring tiger when one of the species was hurt. It matched her own, and she was pleasantly surprised.

But when the species member was asked to draw what they saw on her neck, they drew a simple four legged stick figure, with hints of stripes. This breakthrough proved that the unknown elements in the ink like substance had the power to shift according to the viewer.

The next breakthrough, while somewhat predictable, was that each person received their mark when they reached their sexual maturity. While this had proven problematic across the years, especially with humans dying before their mark even appeared on their Vulcan mate, there was nothing to be done.

And so, Deanna Troi sat by the Janaran Falls, 16 years old. The newest Federation findings confirmed that tattoos are on the side of the torso, half a foot below the armpit. Almost every species had a ribcage, and the mysterious marks had seemed to accommodate. Some Betazoids liked to celebrate with a huge party, letting everyone see their tattoo appear. Others only did it with their parents, some alone.

If she was being honest with herself, she didn’t think she could handle her mother at the moment. Lwaxana Troi was a rare case, being born with multiple marks stacked on top of each other. Deanna knew that with her half Betazoid, half human heritage, her mark might come early or late. Genetic mixes tended to do so. She also knew that her mother would immediately start ruminating on the possibilities of what the man with her matching tattoo would be like.

And Deanna didn’t think she could handle that. For starters, she liked to keep her love life private. Pre-mark flings were very common and often still involved real love, but her few trysts she had kept under wraps. She also didn’t know what to expect. So many cultures had histories of homosexuals having to draw fake marks to avoid persecution.

Deanna didn’t want to do that in any way. Society had surpassed that on most accounts, but Deanna was confused. Her sexuality had always been something she embraced. She knew she had an allure to her, and she knew that sex was something that provided the most intimate connections, ones that she liked to have. But in a world with marks, especially pre-marked, she had trouble sorting her feelings. 

With Lwaxana expecting a man for beautiful heirs, she had no idea whether the tingling feelings she had around girls were normal. She had no idea if the swooping stomach sensations she felt around boys were normal. She knew that the clinical term was bisexual. But being half human and already insecure, she couldn’t sense if her feelings were entirely real, especially pre-marked.

She blinked and let her thoughts fall back to the present. The Betazoid marking age was 16 and the human was 18, so Deanna could get her mark between 15-19. She took a deep breath. She was scared. To her, a soulmate would be an experience she would be able to treasure no matter what. A soulmate wouldn’t tease and judge her for being one of the only non-telepaths on her planet, a soulmate would connect to and enrich her empathic senses, and provide the intimacy she craved. 

So the possibility of a mark not appearing on her skin that day scared her more than not knowing who her mark was going to appear on. She took a deep breath and lifted her shirt, craning her neck to see the left side of her ribcage. She waited for the sting that everyone said would come, she waited for the ink to stain her skin in the mark of her lover. After waiting for almost half an hour, Deanna let her shirt drop and buried her head in her hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna dangled her feet over the falls, the spray landing lightly on her legs. Avoiding the ever-persistent Lwaxana had been even harder this year, but she had managed to find some relief. As she gazed out at the water, she felt her stomach start to churn.

_ What if I never get a mark? What if I’m destined to be lonely? _ She took a deep breath to try and stop her tears, but it was too late. They slipped down her cheeks as she lamented her heritage. She knew it was no one’s fault that she was half human, but to her it felt like a curse. Betazoid tattoos were often elaborate and very punctual owing to their heightened sensuality as a species. Deanna felt like an outcast, a loner.

She wiped her eyes and slid her shirt up again, looking in the spot where her mark was destined to appear. She held the fabric there lightly and started to fidget with the pebbles and silt with her other hand. Her heart felt like it was speeding up, the anticipation of the mark making it drum against her chest almost painfully. The fact that no mark appeared hurt even more.

She slowly got up and began the walk home, a few more tears falling from her eyes as she approached her house. She slipped inside and was immediately beset upon by her mother.

_ “Little one! Was this year your year? Come, show me!” _ She wrapped Deanna into a hug and Deanna was briefly comforted by her mother’s warm touch. As much as her mother’s expectations of her felt like a weight, she loved her with all her heart. All her mother wanted was the best for her, like every mother. Lwaxana just tended to try and make it happen too fast.

Deanna pulled out of the hug and shook her head. She shuddered slightly with sobs and Lwaxana pouted, wiping her eyes gently.  _ “Little one, don’t be upset. I have a feeling you’ll get a mark. Someone out there is waiting for you.  _ Deanna nodded, leaning into her mother’s touch. 

_ “Mother, what if they’re not a man?”  _ Lwaxana glanced down at her, momentarily shocked. 

_ “Little one, you need to continue the lineage of the Fifth House!” _

_ “But what if they’re not?”  _ Lwaxana sighed. She stroked Deanna’s curls for a while before she expressed her thoughts.    
  


_ “I know I would be happy for you no matter what. I’d have to live out my life in glory for the Fifth House, of course, seeing as you wouldn’t continue it. But in the end, I love you, little one.”  _

Deanna curled up tighter against her mother and closed her eyes. She slowly fell asleep as her mother sent calming thoughts her way, trying to mask her own worry for her daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna stretched out on the bed in her Starfleet Academy dormitory, letting her eyes close. Psychology of Multi-Chambered Brains was not an easy class, and Deanna was somewhat cursing herself for adding it to her already packed schedule. She focused on the sound of her breath filling the room, her chest rising and falling as the hum of air circulation drummed in the background of her ears. It occurred to her that her birthday was soon.

She knew it sounded ridiculous to forget her own birthday, but she had been irresponsibly busy. When she wasn’t piled up with studying and homework and meetings for her courses, she was out with friends or trying to catch a wink of sleep. Her birthday being right around the corner had been shunted to the side of this mess, but she sat up in bed when she realized what that meant.  _ This year has to be my year. _ She felt her cheeks warm in anticipation and nerves.

If her tattoo didn’t appear this year, she might have to consider the possibility of not having a soulmate. And the thought yanked on her heart like a fish caught on a hook. It jerked her emotions into a mess, and speared right into the corner of her heart where she hid her dark reservations about herself. The possibility that being mixed race was preventing her heart from finding someone. 

Deanna felt stuck in the loop that was knowing being half Betazoid and half human gave her twice as much culture in her background, but at the same time humans shoved her away for invading their heads and Betazoids put up their walls, sensing her brain grasping at straws like the lonely tendrils of a grapevine.

Deanna’s head was about to expand on this when she felt a sting on her side. Her breath hitched as her skin burned, tingling as a hot flash permeated her skin, matching the intense heat in her chest as her heart pounded a heavy march. She closed her eyes and took a calming breath before rushing to the bathroom. 

Inked on her ribcage was a flame that was colored a vibrant sapphire color. Above it were three stars outlined in gold. Deanna made a small squealing noise and edged closer to the mirror, her eyes roving over the stains on her skin. Her fingertips brushed against the skin and felt a slight sheen of something. It was as if an incredibly thin paint had been used. She smiled brightly.  _ There’s someone for me. _

She was ogling the tattoo and wondering what her mother would say the symbols meant when the door fwooshed open. “Dee?” Tasha Yar yelled, before bursting into the bathroom. She glanced at the scene before her and said, “Oh my god! Is it here?” Deanna nodded, her cheeks reddening as Tasha stepped into her space, her eyes roving over Deanna’s ribcage.

They had a familiar intimacy as roommates, thinking and working in tandem. But Deanna felt a pull towards Tasha, something that made her crave Tasha’s attention. Her breath hitched and pulled her away from her thoughts when Tasha lightly brushed her fingertips over Deanna’s skin. 

They stared at each other for what felt like minutes. Deanna couldn’t force anything to come out of her mouth, as if it had been stuffed with cotton. She finally opened her mouth when Tasha said, “Come to a party with me tonight. We can celebrate your tattoo!” 

Deanna closed her mouth and glanced over at her desk, crammed with PADDs. Tasha followed her eyes and snorted. “Deanna. Please, let yourself go.” Deanna turned back to face Tasha, and there was something in the yearning in Tasha’s eyes that resonated with her. She felt that yearning mirrored inside herself. 

“Alright,” she said, feeling an uncontrollable smile betray her reservations about homework.  _ You have your tattoo!  _ She threw her arm around Tasha’s shoulder and repeated herself out loud, her smile infectious in the dorm.

The music was a little too loud, and her senses were swaddled in cushions of joy, lust, and an unrestricted feeling of just letting go. Tasha had scored many a free drink for them after the news broke, and now the two were crammed into a small booth, giggling and laughing as the musk of real alcohol clouded their ragged breaths.

“So,” Tasha said with an almost conspiratory smirk on her lips, “Have you held off on dating until your tattoo?” Deanna nodded and let her head hang slightly with shame. “Hey, hey, that’s okay!” Tasha cupped her face and angled it up to look her in the eyes.

Deanna mumbled, “I wasn’t sure if, being half Betazoid and half human, I was just getting confused. Being so late didn’t help.” Tasha nodded along, some sweaty strands of blonde hair pressed to her forehead. Deanna found it hard to concentrate and instead swallowed, pretending that was all she wanted to say. Tasha’s eyes were reflecting the lights of the room and her hand was warm and firm on her cheeks, which she was sure were also heating up.

Tasha said, “Dee, you don’t have to be ashamed of who you are. Someone loves you no matter what.” Deanna felt her heart swoop as Tasha’s fingers brushed against where her tattoo was again. “Have you thought about dating before you find your soulmate?” Her voice had lowered, the question pressed intimately into Deanna’s ears, on her skin, in her chest.

Deanna blinked. She hadn’t actually given thought to the question. She didn’t think that it would be wrong to date before her soulmate. Most people did. If you haven’t met someone yet and you love someone else, why not? The transparency of having marks meant that both of you knew you’d break up eventually, but love was strong enough to overcome the potential reservations of that knowledge.

All at once, Deanna felt tears prick her eyes. She had feelings for Tasha, and she knew it. She also knew Tasha wasn’t her soulmate. But a fling wouldn’t hurt. To have someone to care for her, someone to nurture her and for her to nurture, and even as blunt as it may be to think so, Deanna did consider that it would be good practice to date before her soulmate.

She smiled softly, the pulsing of the music becoming a dull drone in her ears as she said, “I don’t think it’s such a bad idea.” Tasha smiled back, her thumb etching patterns of tingling heat across Deanna’s cheeks. 

“That’s what I wanted to hear,” Tasha whispered, and her voice sent a snake of shivers down Deanna’s spine as Tasha leaned in, kissing her gently.

It was Deanna’s first kiss, and seven that wasn’t her first priority. Every nerve in her body was too focused on the fact that Tasha Yar, her gorgeous roommate, was kissing her. It felt like she had answers. She had room in her heart for other women, and they could make her feel burning and molten and set off crackles underneath her cheeks.

She kissed Tasha back, sliding closer in the booth, grasping for grip on the slick leather of Tasha’s jacket. Her ears barely registered the music, and she tasted the alcohol on Tasha’s lips as the dank weight of it permeated her nose. But she didn’t even care. Tasha broke away and nuzzled her nose, and Deanna once again felt herself at a loss for words, her chest catching as she tried to breathe, staring into the knowing shine of Tasha’s eyes.

In the faltering subconscious of her head, she wondered how Tasha couldn’t be her soulmate. It brought tears to her eyes, the clashing feelings in her head causing her stomach to swoop. She was devastated that Tasha wasn’t meant for her. Someone was hers, and someone was Tasha’s, and while it felt like time had stopped under her lips, she knew that in a blink, Tasha would be with someone else.

Yet the tears also conveyed happiness, happiness that Deanna was truly embracing for the first time. Someone out there was somehow even better for her than Tasha. Someone out there would embrace her for all the flaws she constantly berated herself about as a kid. Someone had the same flame inked on their skin, gold and blue dancing together and joining her future with her past. 

But that could wait. She pulled Tasha back into her, lips colliding as Deanna closed her eyes and let her thoughts drift away like fireflies in the wind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna’s lips connected with Will’s again as they tumbled onto a couch, hands fumbling into hair in the effort to get closer, closer than Deanna thought possible. She cupped his cheeks as he began to suck her neck, making her emit groans and causing her breath to catch sharply.

Soon their clothes were scattered across the room, and their skin was touching, sweat causing brief stickiness that peeled away and fused again, their touch sparking nerve endings that ripped a tango across her stomach as they etched new paths onto each other.    
  


Weeks of dancing around each other could only prolong the inevitable. The chemistry was palpable, the interest was fiery, and their gazes seemed to meet no matter what. She was 21, fresh off the academy, and doing a psychological profile internship with other mixed race Betazoids. Will was there for the Academy as well. The two of them fell fiery and fast as people of their age tended to, and even after weeks, the desire seemed fresh.

The first time they saw each other naked, they had been too distracted. The next few times it had been an unbreached subject. The next time, they had to sit down. After examining in detail both marks and noting the similarities, they decided they were close enough. After all, the marks appeared in a way the person could comprehend, right? Will had an identical blue flame, his detail being that it was nestled in a dripping wax candle.

The flames were so similar that Deanna had believed it. After all, Will connected deeply not only to her normal desires and emotions, but her empathy. It felt like he was a match being struck close to wood. He ignited her senses and in some cases, she could feel her mind connecting with his . Never enough to communicate coherently, but she could sense his whims and emotions before he felt them, and she could tell what he struggled to show, what he craved, with more complexity than simple empathy.

After they had been lying there for some time, Will finally spoke up. “Dee.” Deanna glanced at him, her mind wary of what was going to come next. Of course, deep down, she knew this was coming. She took a steadying breath, the closeness of their bodies suddenly feeling suffocating. “I’ve been assigned a mission. Two years. I have to leave you.” 

Deanna felt tears prickle her eyes with a wash of simultaneous relief. She thought he was going to confront her about their marks, and how they didn’t match, but this was something different. Equally as sad. “Well, we can still make this work.” She smiled hopefully up at him, her black eyes shining with innocence and naivety that would soon be shattered.

“Dee.” His voice was firm, and Deanna felt her voice start to quaver, her hands shaking. “Will, we  _ can _ .” 

Will stroked her cheek gently and said, “Deanna, I need to focus on my job. Starfleet means everything to me. I love you. I do, but I can’t be with you.”

Deanna felt tears rising to her eyes, burning salt that matched the fire in her cheeks. “After all this, you’re going to cut me off because of a mission? People in Starfleet are separated from loved ones all the time!” Will nodded, but his eyes were glancing at the wall behind them, separated from the conversation.

Will whispered, “Dee, we have to admit to ourselves that our marks don’t match.” Deanna’s tears fell as she whispered weakly, “But they’re close. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” 

Will sighed heavily. “But it does mean you’re holding me back. I’m going to be travelling the stars for two years. Do you know the chances of me finding my soulmate? And the importance of my mission?”

Deanna snorted. “I’m not stupid, Will. I know that this mission is important. I just thought that I was too.” She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, pressing her knuckles against her eyes roughly. She felt Will gently take her wrist and pull her hands off her face. 

“You are important to me. But I have to make this decision.” Deanna was out of words, and she watched as Will rolled over, facing the wall. She stroked his back gently, murmuring, “Please. Go now.” Will whipped to face her, and she felt her lip tremble as tears filled his eyes.

“I think I just...need some space. I’ll see you at your send off.” Will began to cry and whispered, “Dee please-” Deanna shook her head and squeezed his wrist. Will sniffled and began to dress, Deanna crying into her hands as their sobs filled the space of the room like a viscous liquid.

When Will was finally gone, Deanna let her sobs escape her fully.  _ How could I have been so naive? So stupid? How did I let myself fall this hard?  _ A small smile dangled on her face for a brief moment as the good times, the memories of meeting him tried to answer her questions. But she continued to cry. She felt as if her world had opened up beneath her and swallowed her.

She fell onto the pillow, her tears dripping and causing wet circles to appear. Will had been someone truly special, but not special enough. She glanced down at her mark, the shining gold seeming to taunt her. She shook her head at herself, angry that she had let chemistry take over her rationale. Ever since what happened with Tasha, she had tried to avoid dating before she found her mark.

She sighed heavily as her tears started to ebb. She took a deep breath, trying to remind herself that Will was good for her in the long run. Maybe she didn’t believe it, but he had given her some of the best days of her life. Her last thoughts as she drifted to sleep were that someone out there was still waiting, no matter how many times Deanna stumbled and fell. Someone was probably making mistakes. The last conscious thought she managed to conjure was that nobody’s perfect. The world keeps turning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello little soupkins, sorry for the wait!
> 
> your bitch tried to do trektober and uh. that didn't work but now that it's november (read as: almost december), i knew i had to come back to my new favorite work!! thanks so much for waiting!

~~~~~~11 years earlier~~~~~~

  
  


Beverly rubbed her eyes, yawning as she noticed an incessant beeping that seemed to grow louder as her brain sluggishly started to turn its wheels. She realized that the noise was her alarm clock and she tapped the panel on the wall, sitting straight up in bed when she realized that it said  _ 0932\.  _ Beverly stared at it for a second in disbelief before the realization that she was 32 minutes late for class fully seeped through her.

She swore softly and flew out of bed, throwing on a uniform from her closet and hand brushing her hair as she shoved all the right PADDs into a small tote bag and tore from the room, her long legs propelling her across campus as fast as her half sleepy brain allowed. She slammed her elbow against the door frame to the Medical building and grimaced as the throbbing pain added itself to the pile of problems she had unwittingly dived into.

She berated herself mentally again as she careened around the corner, the PADDs in her bag clattering against each other. She could count the chain of decisions that led her here all the way back to her childhood. In fact, she couldn’t help it--organization and what her nana liked to call “perfectionism” was something she had been born with. According to Nana, it was from Isabelle Howard, but that was a lost cause at this point.

Still, seeing that her nana could help the sick on Arvada with simply perseverance and a few plants, she wondered if more was possible. She decided to forgo friends for plant study when she moved to Caldos, which Beverly liked to also recognize in the first step of her second chain, her chain of being alone. The next step in this one, however, was healing her nana’s broken ankle as best she could, earning praise from the doctor they brought it to.

From there, the events followed the succession of most Starfleet Doctors--study as much biology and medicine at your school as possible, decide that travelling in space is worth the risk to heal people and make scientific discoveries, convince your family that you really want this, go to the Academy, pick the medical track, study relentlessly. 

Yet this is where Beverly’s chain separated. She wanted to be CMO. How else could she see the widest variety of life that the universe had to offer? How else would she potentially make a discovery that could change lifes? How else could she save as many people as possible? And, how else could she meet her soulmate?

Beverly’s history of being alone wasn’t one she liked to victimize herself for. After all, she had made most of the decisions that plants, biology, and dancing were more valuable to her than friends. It’s not that she didn’t want friends...she just didn’t know how to make them, and she found it easier to test the leaves in her backyard than to test the social waters of being a teenager.

Caldos wasn’t exactly a big, densely populated place, so when the burn and sting on her ribcage happened on a waterfall hike, she knew that the person for her couldn’t possibly live there. She wasn’t truly happy there. She had managed to admit that to herself at that waterfall, looking at a brand new inking of a blue flame underneath shimmering stars.

But once she had let that thought in, she realized how alone she truly was. She felt it was too late to try and make friends with the close knit groups that had formed on Caldos, so she stuck to herself, trying to be optimistic about the fact that at the Academy, she would have a fresh start.

But arriving at the Academy had been scary. Shutting herself in had led to a realization that she didn’t know what all of her feelings meant. When she became best friends with Walker Keel, the deep excitement she had at finally having a friend had been misconstrued as romantic, leading to an awkward “date” that she found out later wasn’t romantic.

Both of them found it quite funny now, but Beverly had been wracked with shame. It had, however, helped her realize that she was open to people. She knew Walker’s tattoo before she had thought she had feelings for him, and that hadn’t been an issue for her. After so many years of being alone, she knew that someone she had feelings for wouldn’t be cheating. 

She knew that emotions were more complicated than the organized way of thought she tended to utilize. She knew it was probably likely that she’d have crushes, maybe even flings, and that made her happy. They would help her, and she would have someone out there that was perfect for her after potential mistakes or smaller feelings. She knew that having someone out there had changed her, had changed her social confidence as she tried to establish a well rounded experience before she met the person that she was willing to care for until they both died.

And now here she was, in her sixth year of school and starting her residency, sleeping in after studying all night, running through the halls as sweat stained the neckline of her uniform where her unkempt red hair hung heavy on her neck.

She forced herself to take one deep breath in and out before opening the door, striding directly to her seat and taking out her PADD, opening to her notes with an apologetic glance at her instructor and the normal condescending glares she usually got from people much older than her.

After an hour of what turned out to be a fascinating lecture, she headed towards the luncheon hall, desperate to grab some breakfast. She was about halfway when she felt a pair of arms draw her into a hug, knuckles scratching her hair as Walker gave her a noogie. 

She laughed and lightly punched him, saying “Wow, Walker, I missed you too.” Walker had been sent on an ambassador's trip in the security detail as a tentative first trial of potential new ways to test new officers. She had other friends, of course, but it was Walker who helped her through the most intensive days of school.

Walker leaned on her shoulder as they walked, being one of few people their age taller than her.

“So,” he said, his voice taking on somewhat of a ripply effect as he wiggled his finger at her. “I heard that the E block dorm section was throwing a party for new years. Ring in 2348, all that nonsense. And I thought to myself, ‘Hmm, who do I know that lives in dorm block E?’”

He glanced down at her with his eyebrows furrowed and a grin stretched across his face. Beverly stared back before laughing at him, still trying to fix the hair that he had messed up. 

“Walker, if you think for a second that I’m going to party with a midterm in Advanced Alien DNA coming up, you are sorely mistaken.” 

She smiled at him apologetically, and he faked the most dramatic sigh she had ever heard before saying, “Come onnnnnn, Bevvy. I  _ need  _ to let loose after my trip. Being on my best behavior is not conducive to my health.”

Beverly snorted and continued walking, despite the small voice in her head nagging her that it would be good to get out of the notes. Walker groaned and said, “Just get me in, then you can leave. Or at least stay for a glass of champagne. It’s almost 2348!”

Beverly rolled her eyes, despite the smile itching to break free. “Fine. I will get you in. But you better be dressed nicely. I think you and the single ladies around here both deserve it.” She made a big show of winking and Walker pretended to grovel before patting her shoulder and heading down another hallway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The music spilling from the courtyard of dorm block E was not as loud as Beverly was expecting, nor were the students themselves. It was quite heavily crowded, bodies jostling against each other to reach friends, drinks, potential dance partners. But there wasn’t the crazy energy Beverly was expecting from young adults like her. She looped her arms through Walkers and approached the courtyard entrance, which was thankfully being manned by someone she didn’t know. A flash of her student ID, laughter about Walker being her boyfriend and a small kiss to his cheek, and they were in.

Walker winked at her and disappeared into the crowd, and she smiled. She rolled her shoulders back, realizing that he might be right. Maybe she did need to let go a little. She decided to take a walk around the perimeter, listening to the music and letting herself relax a little.

She strolled quietly for about 3 minutes when someone tapped her shoulder. She turned to see a tall man with a sharp jaw offering her a drink. 

“You know what they say about being alone on New Years,” the man said, smiling at her. Beverly was about to decline, but meeting those eyes as sharply blue as hers sent a ripple of heat across the surface of her skin.

She smiled back and said, “What do they say?”

The man sipped his drink and said, “I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out.” He smirked sideways at her, and she felt her stomach sink a little as her face warmed and she let out a laugh.

“I’m Jack,” he said, extending his hand. She shook it, noticing how his grip was surprisingly soft for such a broad-figured guy.

“Beverly,” she replied, taking a sip. The drink didn’t burn like alcohol, which was nice. These parties were notorious for smuggling, but it seemed that tonight, everyone was playing by the rules. She smiled to herself at this, knowing that alcohol wouldn’t have her questioning feelings or actions pertaining to Jack, but then a wave of guilt came over her as she realized how analytical she was being already about him.

_ Relax, Beverly. Just see where it goes.  _ She blinked to realize he was staring at her, and she blushed a little and said, “What is it?” His gaze was steady and strong, and he just overall held himself with so much control. She found it quite attractive, to be honest, and his calm and soft demeanor that offset his rigid composure was a combination that she highly appreciated.

“Oh,” he said, “I’m just...admiring your eyes. They’re beautiful, but you look...a little afraid.” Beverly coughed on her drink and her throat burned and stung as she bent over slightly, managing to control herself. She felt Jack’s hand on her back, and it sent sparking sensations all over her body.

He whispered, “Do you want to talk somewhere private?” Beverly hesitated. She knew that people often said that for sex, but something about Jack’s eyes, the blue burning in them with a genuine caring atmosphere around him...she accepted his hand as he lead her around the corner, the two sinking to the grass next to a large garden.

“I didn’t mean to insult you. I was just struck by the fact that someone as confident looking and regal as you could be afraid.” His words sent a shiver down her spine, and she felt herself blinking away tears.

“It’s okay. I mean, you are right,” she said, with a small laugh. “I’ve spent so much of my life being analytical, letting moments fall away from me. Before I got my tattoo, I was reading every situation so deeply that the world turned the page before I could absorb it. After I got my tattoo, I was afraid that I wasn’t going to know how to act in the big world.” She swallowed and wiped a tear from her eye, luckily before Jack noticed.

“I understand that. The pressure from my family to excel here was so great that I didn’t even think I had time for whoever had my tattoo. I finally learned to loosen up last year, and let me tell you, Beverly, it really does help.” He took her hand gently, and started to stroke it with her thumb.

Beverly took a sharp breath in, the smell of the grass hazily blending with Jack’s aftershave. This feeling wasn’t like anything. It wasn’t like before, where she was questioning what she was feeling, describing it, thinking about it. Sitting next to Jack, she was just...there. And she had no words to describe it.

She smiled softly and said, “Seeing as we’re being so open...which I will admit I’m not used to,” she caught his smirk and continued, “How do you feel about...you know, um, doing, you know like dati--”

“Dating someone with a different tattoo?” He finished for her. She nodded and he said, “I personally would be fine with it. I think that every person has the potential to be right for you in some way, they just don’t have the exact right soul. But every person deserves to be happy in the moments they want to be, instead of trapping themselves waiting.”

He glanced over at her, and she smiled back, leaning on his shoulder. She murmured, “That’s a beautiful way to think about it.” 

She felt his hand playing with her hair, as he said, “Beautiful deserves beautiful, I think.” She exhaled softly from her nose and he tugged on her hair gently, turning her face. Her heart hit her chest in a slamming rhythm as he leaned in, and as they began to kiss, her mind faded away as she finally let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You have a suppressor, right?” Her words hung hot and breathy in the dim light of his dorm room three hours later. 

He nodded and murmured, “Of course.” He drew her hand to his shoulder, letting her feel the slight bump of raised skin on his arm. She smiled and let him do the same, goosebumps prickling coldly to clash with the hot sweat trickling over her skin as the air became thick with freedom.

Jack’s alarm roused her awake at 0800.  _ The same time as mine. _ She smiled and rubbed her eyes, getting out of bed softly as Jack did the same. For once, Beverly didn’t feel like she had to say anything. They were just there together. And she didn’t need anything else.

She was in a daze as she headed towards the lecture hall, her mind wandering to mull over something before leaving and drifting to something else. She was so absorbed inside her heart and head that Walker had to physically push her a little to get her attention.

“Well Bevvy, I hope whatever parasite has taken you over doesn’t kill you before you graduate.” Beverly frowned at him but didn’t say anything, unsure if she would be able to speak without making some sort of joyous squeaking noise. He leaned on her like always and said, “Spit it out. I know you didn’t end up leaving the party.”

Beverly smiled and cleared her throat before saying, “I met a guy.” Her face hurt from smiling all morning, and she found herself blushing already. “His name is Jack. He’s really sweet, and he’s...like me in a lot of ways, but more sensually thoughtful than my analytical thinking. Just hanging out with him for one night...it felt so balanced and...really right.”

Walter’s grin was about the size of a whale shark as he whispered, “Seems like he was right in bed too,” causing Bev to smack him. He couldn’t miss the sparkle in her eyes, and he smiled to himself as she ducked into a classroom.

Beverly saw Jack on and off for about a month, surprising herself with her ability to balance her first serious relationship with the large commitment that was school. They understood each other, often able to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other wanted. Beverly found it somewhat comforting that someone could be as good to her and not even be her designated soulmate.

About 5 weeks later, Beverly blinked awake to the sound of her alarm going off once again, and she frowned and cursed herself noticing that class was in 10 minutes. She tried to sit up, but her eyes felt heavy and her arms and legs ached with a fatigue that permeated her brain like a muddy pond. 

She managed to sit up slowly, and was surprised when an aching pain seared in her chest, a tender burn that left her clutching herself gently, trying to ease something. She stood up, the room spinning a little as she managed to make it to the bathroom, collapsing against the sink and taking deep breaths as her limbs begged to lie back down.

She managed to push through it as she took off her pajamas, trying to locate the source of the pain in her torso. She frowned at the mirror, but there were no bruises or cuts she could see or recall getting. She looked a little closer and realized that her breasts looked somewhat swollen. 

And then the seed of the idea formed in her head. A dark, warped seed, one that Beverly shivered to think about. She put her pajamas back on and sat on her bed, her eyes stinging with tears already as she grabbed her personal PADD and clicked to her calendar.  _ Five days late. _ With the excitement of everything in her life, she hadn’t even realized she had missed it.

She began to cry fully, flopping onto her bed and wincing as her chest protested, her tears pooling on her chest. Her stomach heaved with sobs as she closed her eyes, desperately trying to follow a coherent chain of thought.

_ Keep it. _ The instinct burned deep into her instantly. She respected anyone’s choice, but she felt that after so many years of working to save lives across the galaxy, she was prepared to take care of one.  _ At least, on paper you are. _ More tears welled in her eyes. She would have to drop school, or at least take a lighter load, especially during the third trimester.

She also wasn’t sure if she was emotionally ready. She was only 24. She...she hadn’t ever had a serious relationship prior to Jack, she had lost her mother at a young age, and she wasn’t ever particularly close with her nana...she had no reference to a strong maternal relationship and had had barely any of her own to develop the emotional maturity needed to have a child.

And then the real killer, the fact of the matter that had been lurking in her brain like a grim reaper of conscious thoughts: She and Jack didn’t have matching marks. Having a fling with someone you didn’t match was common. Everyone had mostly agreed that it was okay. But creating a life from two souls that weren’t destined to be? Beverly felt a fresh round of tears hit her as she realized that she had  _ life  _ inside her.

The tears flowed faster as a cold anger bubbled inside her.  _ Was Jack lying to her? _ She knew she had her implant in, and she had felt the physical proof that Jack had his in as well...She let her face fall into her hands, massaging her cheeks. She couldn’t believe one of their implants had been faulty. She knew, of course, that it was possible, but she never thought it would happen to her.  _ That’s what everyone thinks. _

There was a baby that would grow until she brought it into the world, and saw its eyes blink for the first time, gazing into hers and most likely capturing her heart forever. But the life she created was not borne of someone that some unknown cosmic force had determined for her. This life was going to be sprung from a small affair, a place where Beverly was supposed to be getting started with love.

And sitting there on that bed, she admitted it to herself. She loved Jack, she really did. And she knew eventually she would probably fall out of love with him, but that didn’t change the present. That didn’t change that their love had created a new soul that this world would mark.

And by everything in her, she would love this child. She would be the mother that they deserved, and no matter what she would take care of them until they found that special someone they were marked for.

_ But I need to tell Jack.  _ Beverly swallowed deeply, trying to regain some composure. Class was a lost cause at this point. She still felt exhausted, which was of course furthered by sobbing for a while, and she looked like she had just gone through a shuttle wash. She needed a shower, a little walk if possible, and some breakfast. Then she would go see Jack, and try to see...see what he thought.

  
  


Beverly spent a good 3 minutes straight pacing outside Jack’s quarters, her throat tight and her stomach not much better. She finally pressed the chime, fiddling with her uniform. Jack smiled upon seeing her and drew her into a kiss, which Beverly accepted, although guilt was starting to gnaw at the back of her head.

Jack led her in, saying, “I thought we were having lunch tomorrow? Right? You have that big seminar.” Beverly nodded, her eyes darting around Jack’s quarters. They were small, and not very furnished.  _ Like mine.  _ What was she doing? A baby couldn’t be raised inside the Academy. How could she ask Jack to uproot his whole life at the Academy for her?

But then again, she felt like he really connected with her. She didn’t have a plan for what would happen when they met their soulmates.  _ Oh, gosh, do I have to marry him? Non-soulmates marrying? _ She took a deep breath and said, “Jack, I think you need to sit down.” His eyes widened a little and she could see fear in them. She was instantly transported back to the first night they met.  _ “‘I was just struck by the fact that someone as confident looking and regal as you could be afraid.’” _

In that moment, she realized that this was everything she feared. The loss of control, the loss of a plan. For a moment, she was relapsing into her old self, the self that Jack was changing. The Beverly that over-analyzed things. She swallowed and said, “Jack, I’m pregnant. We’re...we’re having a child.”

She watched intently as a damp silence filled the room, thick enough that she could almost taste it. Jack’s eyes shined as tears started to silently fall down his face, and she stared at her lap. “How?” he finally asked, his voice thick and his eyes red and puffy.

She looked up at him, her eyes also red. “I don’t know. Implant failure is my guess.” He nodded,rubbing his chin with his hand. He stood and started to pace, occasionally glancing at her. He didn’t seem angry, at least, but...afraid. Like her. Their eyes locked, primal fear rearing inside them like animals, causing her to sweat slightly.

“Bev...what are we going to do?” He sat down again, now being the one to stare at the floor. 

She reached her hand out to him and started to stroke his hand, letting a few tears roll down her skin again. “I don’t think it would be fair of me to ask you to take care of them with me...but it is your baby, Jack.”

He pulled his hand away from her, and she felt her stomach sink as her face burned with shame. “Beverly, I need to think about this.” He stood, holding out his hand to help her up. She frowned at him.

“Jack, shouldn’t we at least think through this together? It is  _ our  _ child after all.” He looked at her, and in that moment Beverly could see a deeper emotion behind the shining fear. Something she couldn’t understand. But she suddenly felt nervous.

Jack said, “Bev, I need to think alone. Please.” Beverly was at last too tired to protest, and she walked back to her apartment and fell asleep in a haze. She slept fleetingly, finally waking up fully at 1750. She rubbed her eyes and stumbled out of bed. Her body somehow felt exhausted even after a nap, and she realized this was the first of many months.

She brushed her hair, splashed some water on her face, and made her way back to Jack’s dorm, ringing the chime. She was slightly less nervous, but something about Jack’s face when she left still slightly put her on edge. She realized that she had been in her thoughts for so long when a cold wind gust blew by, and she realized she was still outside.

She frowned and rang the chime again, her heart rate starting to speed up, thudding and slamming against her. She frowned deeper and pushed it again, jumping in surprise when the door next to his opened instead.

“Oh, Beverly, hi!” said the person, whose name Beverly was ashamed to admit she didn’t remember. 

“Hi…” She gave up on trying to pull the name up and indicated at Jack’s door.

The person frowned at her and said, “You didn’t know?” 

Beverly’s face immediately started to burn, her chest closing in and her throat feeling too thick and clogged as she managed to say, “What?” Her nerves were heightened now. ‘Haven’t you heard’ was never associated with anything good.

“He got a deep space assignment. Three years. They’re leaving in six minutes.” Beverly stared at them, her eyes filled with tears that her last thread of organized consciousness managed to hold back, relishing in one last moment of calm before the storm. She turned without a word and broke into a run, pushing through the ache in her legs and her heavy eyes that had let go, tears blown off her face as she sprinted towards the docking bay.

She finally made it, immediately collapsing to the floor as her fatigue caught up to her in a rush of emotional and physical waves, her knees slamming on the ground rather hard as she took deep breaths, aware through her tears that people were staring. She accepted a hand up and stumbled a little, looking for Jack. But he had already spotted her after her little scene.

“Beverly?” He asked, as if he genuinely thought he could have gotten away with it. She glared at him and managed to walk over, leaning heavily on the guardrail.    
  


“Jack. What the  _ fuck  _ are you doing?” Her voice shook with anger and was marred with her tears, but she managed to swallow and say, “You can’t do this.”

Jack’s face had softened, but his eyes still darted around them, trying to see who was watching. His grip was so hard it hurt when he grabbed Beverly’s wrist and said, “You can’t do  _ this,  _ Beverly. Confine me to eighteen years on Earth, trapped.”

“Oh, so raising a child is a trap? Caring for a  _ life  _ is a  _ trap? _ ” She pried his fingers off of his arm and continued, “You didn’t even say goodbye. What kind of coward are you?”

His face became cold as he said, “You’ve got to be kidding. “ _ That _ -” he pointed at her abdomen “-was not supposed to happen. It can’t possibly grow from real love.”

  
  


He leaned forward and whispered, “Bev, you have to admit to yourself that our marks don’t match.” A fresh round of tears soaked Beverly’s face as she whispered weakly, “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” 

“If you loved me, you would understand that my chances of finding my mark are not here with you.” He turned and boarded his ship.

“No!” Beverly screamed, running at him, but two officers grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Miss, this is only for mission members.” Beverly was too weak to fight them, and she just stared at the closing door on the ship, her tears blurring her vision as the officers led her a safe distance away from the firing engines. They let go of her gently, and she stared at the ship until she could no longer see it.

She wasn’t sure how she got back to her quarters. Her head felt like an entire field of cotton had been shoved inside it, her mind fuzzy and filled with static. A dull pain from crying for so long also throbbed in a hidden undertone, and she fell into her bed facedown.

She was in the prison of the dark that her room was holding her in, yet she was unable to find even the solace of dreams, staring into the dark without thinking anything at all. The last time her head had been this empty was when she was with Jack. She let more tears make her pillow moist and stain her neck, her chest shaking with quiet sobs long into the night. She didn’t know how it could get better. How there was a way out of this.

But as the darkness of sleep slowly started to seep into the darkness of the night, she made a promise to herself. That she would find a way through it. No matter what.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 songs for this chapter:
> 
> Tightrope by Anna Moon  
> mentiras by Alaina Castillo  
> Invincible by Muse  
> Demons by Joji  
> mad woman by Taylor Swift


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deanna and Beverly meet briefly--but Deanna's past love life is evolving into a heavier presence than she anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHH IT'S BEEN SO LONG
> 
> okay for starters, i watched all of dead to me and became highly obsessed, which kind of let my trek mojo fade for a little while. i in fact have a fic idea for that and stranger things in a crossover, but i couldn't leave you all hanging here. i've already done that once with my doctor who crossover :(
> 
> so, enjoy this new chapter!!!!!

Deanna stood at the docking bay of Farpoint, watching with awe as the Enterprise glided in smoothly, a mammoth of size that even her briefings couldn’t prepare her for. As she watched the ship finally halt, she felt a wash of pride. She had worked so hard to train herself and to work with others, as well as helping to bring the role of counselor to the attention of the higher-ups.

It had been a busy set of years, with hard work and travel taking up most of it. Yet she still felt unsatisfied. She hoped, somehow, that being assigned to the flagship for the Federation would ease this somewhat. How could she ask for something better?

She took one last deep breath, adjusting her headband slightly. After Will had left her, she had let her hair grow untamed, no longer having to use conditioners and brushes to try and tame her curls for him. However, a few reprimands from some officers had forced her to at least keep it a little bit in check.

The captain of the Enterprise, Jean-Luc Picard, was intent on meeting his senior staff promptly. She appreciated this attitude, and she sighed with content. She was really going somewhere now. Her thoughts carried her along as she stepped up into the line for the transporter pad. Apparently Picard’s promotion to Captain had been swift and sudden, making him the youngest in Starfleet to hold the position. According to the reports she was allowed access to, there had been a trial about a ship called the Stargazer, and he had been land-bidden for almost a year. She smirked a little wondering how hard that must have been.

Still, his captaincy skills had been assessed as head and shoulders above the rest, and she was quite looking forward to working with him, especially after hearing about his extensive diplomacy skills. She was also looking forward to meeting the senior staff in general. She was glad that that was the winning emotion for the day.

The past few weeks had been a soup of nerves about being the first counselor on a Starfleet ship, pressure on herself to succeed at this position, excitement at being on the flagship which got to see some of the incredible sights of the universe firsthand, and pride in her steadily rising career.

She realized she was at the transporter pad now, and she smiled at the man operating it, stating her name and rank. He informed her she was going to be beamed to the transporter room closest to the bridge, where security would take her belongings to her quarters while she went to the senior staff meeting. She nodded to herself, repeating the information in her head as she swirled onto the ship in a shimmering beam.

The security team that helped her was pleasant if a little rushed, and she was grateful for the helpful if brisk explanation of how to use the ship computer as a map. She studied the directions to the bridge and set off, massaging her temples a little. 

She had been building up her training for being on a ship this large, and while she was certain that without it she’d be close to incapacitated, she was surprised at how much adjusting she still needed to do.

Her brain was able to sort all the emotions on board into little pockets. If she pried, she could see the specifics of one of the people feeling that emotion, and the more subtle nuances of the emotion. There were also the cultural mix--Humans and Betazoids she was used to from Betazed. 

She had also experienced Klingon, what Vulcan she could, Ferengi, and a few others. She could tell there was definitely a Klingon on board, and the strength of the emotion she felt was probably due to their confidence. She presumed they were likely to be on the senior staff with her.

She found it interesting how many walls she found-there were many people very good at compartmentalizing their emotions into smaller pockets than she could reach, at the same time as the people who were letting emotions fly by without seeming to feel them. She felt the simpleness of the children and the animals onboard, the neatly defined boxes of emotion. She felt the more sludgy emotions of what must have been a few teenagers, and maybe people like her. All the emotions at once.

She stepped into the turbolift at the same time that she finished her initial analyses, and she cleared her head for the senior staff meeting. She wanted to meet them as people, get a sense of who they were before over-analyzing them. 

The bridge was quiet, and she spotted the door labelled “Ready Room.” She stepped inside and glanced at her team. There was a black man with some kind of visual aid band stretched across his eyes. He gave her a jovial smile, which she returned. Next to him was the Klingon she had sensed earlier, who solemnly nodded. She didn't feel hostility, just a general reservedness of emotion Klingons tended to have in settings with other races. 

There was a man with golden skin and yellow eyes, who was like a blank hole in her read. He too nodded at her, and she tried to break her gaze. He had no emotions, none. Not that he was hiding them. He was simply blank, like something was blocking the signal. She tried to swallow away her discomfort as her eyes landed on a man in the head chair, with very little hair. She recognized him from the briefing as Captain Picard. He had a sharp nose and was engaged in conversation with the only other woman there.

Her hair was a bright red, and it fell around her face in waves, hiding her features from Deanna for now. The two of them seemed to have an odd friction, and she could tell both of them were hiding things in layers. The captain looked up and said, “Ah, you must be Counselor Troi. Feel free to sit down, we’re just waiting for a few more.” 

She nodded and said, “Thank you, sir.” He smiled at her, and she noticed the ways his hazel eyes crinkled as he did so. She sat down and quickly tried to place the names to the faces. Now that she was closer to the woman, she could see her face properly, and she had to admit, it took her breath away. She had high cheekbones and piercing blue eyes that glanced over at her. She felt her face go red as the woman smiled, her lip corners drawing up and her hand flicking a red wave behind her ear. She recognized her as Beverly Crusher, the CMO. 

She hadn’t spent too long on the photo aspect of the briefing, but something about the way Beverly held her gaze with everyone, and the way her red hair moved in a way the photo could never know was more than she had bargained for. She tore her eyes away to quickly align Geordi, Worf, and Data’s names in her head, before remembering Data was an android.

She was about to berate herself for forgetting something so important when a bundle of emotions entered her head. She let a sharp breath escape, which she noticed caused Jean-Luc and Beverly to look at her. That, however, was the least of her worries. She felt her stomach churn, her mind pulsing like a beacon.

_ Imzadi? Here?  _ The chances seemed so low that she almost laughed, before realizing with a grim smile to herself that Will Riker was one of the best officers in Starfleet, or so she had heard. Her emotions were so tuned to his that she immediately noticed the shock that filled him as he realized she was there. 

_ Seems our bond is as strong as ever,  _ she thought, making sure Will couldn’t hear. She felt him try to recover a front of his normal joy, but the nervousness that was sinking behind that farce was like a red flag emblazoned in her head.

She decided that she had no choice but to be professional. This job had a lot resting on her, and she wanted to be there. She and Will obviously had to talk, but they overall didn’t harbor much animosity. In her years apart, she had realized how naive she had been, and how Will was right to break it off when he did. She knew he was mature enough to realize this too, and her senses told her he was more surprised than upset.

She adjusted her headband out of nerves and looked towards the door as Will stepped in, laughing loudly to someone behind him. Their eyes met and she smiled, a gesture Will returned before stepping aside to let the person he was with step in. Deanna’s smile slowly eroded as Tasha Yar stepped into the ready room, the smile on her face fading equally as fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thirty minutes earlier, Beverly had been walking through the markets of Farpoint, gripping Wesley’s hand maybe a little too hard. 

He protested, saying, “Mom, I’m fifteen. You don’t need to hold me like that.” 

She looked at him and sighed, dropping her hand. “I’m sorry, Wes. I just feel a little nervous for some reason.”

  
  


“Is it Picard?” Wesley said quietly. In a world like the one with soulmate tattoos, it hadn’t taken Wesley too long to figure out that he wasn’t born on purpose. Beverly had tried to explain as neutrally as she could. Just because she harbored ill-will towards Jack didn’t mean he should. As he got older, he had kind of figured out why Jack would have left and had grown to dislike him as well, until the day he died.

The two grew very close as Beverly raised Wesley by herself--mostly. Jean-Luc had come into their lives when Jack died on the Stargazer. He had been chosen to tell Wesley about Jack’s death, given the blood relation. However, he had soon figured out their situation and had devoted his time being land-bidden helping to raise Wesley. It was clear that in the process, he had developed feelings for Beverly, but ever since Jack, she had been too afraid to date anyone that wasn’t her soulmate.

She had tried to let him down easily, and it was clear he was hurt, but he handled it well overall. Still, when he had to leave, there was tension for sure. On top of that, Jean-Luc had become close to a father to Wesley, and she struggled at first when thrust back into the world of Starfleet Medicine without a partner in parenting.

“I suppose it might be Jean-Luc. It’s also just normal nerves, given how serious my job is now.” She picked up his hand to give it a brief squeeze that she accompanied with a smile. “Jean-Luc is the captain of the flagship for a reason, and I’m honestly quite looking forward to working on the Enterprise.”

Wesley nodded, and she patted his shoulder before turning back to the crowd ahead of them, managing to locate the transporter pad line. Something she wasn’t quite sure she wanted to admit to Wesley was that she was nervous about her soulmate. 40 was on the old side for being unmatched, as far as humans went. She had gotten accustomed to the fact that she didn’t need her soulmate. It was thinking that she did that had thrown her headstrong into the Jack fiasco, and after Jean-Luc left, her years raising Wesley had become somewhat of a comfort.

She could do it by herself. She had raised Wesley well and was on track to be one of the youngest Chief Medical Officers. And she hadn’t needed a soulmate, and she hadn’t found herself longing for them. But she was about to settle on the flagship for years. Was she going to find her soulmate out there? She sometimes felt guilty when she tried to fall asleep, knowing that rooting herself for so long had stopped her soulmate from finding her.

So the nerves were partly about seeing Jean-Luc again, but she also was nervous to see if she would meet her soulmate too. With all the space out there, the chances of meeting her person were quite high. 

There was something about starships, though. As she and Wesley beamed onto the Enterprise, she felt refreshed. The hallways had some kind of scent to them, but not in a bad way. It just smelled...familiar. The hustle and bustle of crewmen through the hallways, the bright yet soft lights...it was a second home to her, and her nerves felt somewhat soothed as the crewmate assigned to her directed her and Wesley to their quarters.

She turned to him and said, “Jean-Lu--The captain wants a senior staff meeting promptly. I trust you not to get lost and to stay out of people’s way, so you can explore, alright?” Wesley grinned and bounded towards the door, before coming back and giving her a quick hug. “I’m glad you’re back in space, Mom,” he whispered, before leaving their quarters.

She smiled softly, somewhat awestruck at how fast he had had to grow up. She supposed growing up in a world like this but having non-bonded parents forces kids to grow up fast, to learn about the complexities of life. But it seemed he was handling it well, overall.

She finished her quick glance through of her quarters and made her way to the bridge, her heart beating a little louder as she approached the door. She adjusted her red hair subconsciously as the door slid open.

She was met with a small group--Jean-Luc, of course, who gave her a warm smile she made sure to return, but there was also Data, the android she had heard so much about, and a man sitting next to him with a VISOR. She had made a mental note when reading through personnel files to ask him about his eyesight. It was one thing to read about losing a sense, but to hear it try and be described was something else.

She reminded herself that these were actual people, and shook her head lightly. She was already slipping into the habits she got into when around Starfleet--emotions second, analysis first. She reminded herself of the good thing Jack had brought her--live in the moment--and sat down next to Jean-Luc after greeting Data and Geordi, who were engrossed in a technical banter she couldn’t begin to comprehend.

Jean-Luc’s eyes crinkled when he smiled, like they always had, and she felt a familiar rush of comfort, settling into her chair as he said, “Beverly. It’s been so long...you look wonderful.” Beverly felt her cheeks color slightly--compliments hadn’t ever been her forte, and she was reminded of how much Jean-Luc had doted on her and Wesley all those years ago.

“Thank you, Jean-Luc. I want to say, I am really so proud of you. Youngest captain in the fleet, and of the flagship too! You deserve this.” 

His eyes darted down quickly, and she remembered how shy he was too. If she had been younger, less mature, it would have compelled her in, how similar they were. But now, all she could think about was the shared sad undertones they both carried--shyness in a world revolving around brazen marks on skin.

She was brought back from her thoughts by Jean-Luc saying, “--to say the same. Youngest CMO is not easy, and especially raising Wesley on your own alongside that.” She could sense him tensing up slightly as he said it, clearly feeling some sort of guilt from leaving her.

For the first time in a long time, she made direct eye contact with him. “Jean-Luc. I am not, nor will I be, angry with you for leaving. I of all people should know that life moves fast, and I’m genuinely proud you took the opportunity you deserved.” She could see him unclench, the worry lines of his forehead easing slightly as he nodded.

It felt like a breath of air had been released, and the two fell into quick conversation, mostly catching Jean-Luc up with Wesley, whose life he had tried to stay as aware of as possible. They were interrupted by the arrival of Worf, a Klingon with a fleeting smile. Still, a smile was more than Beverly had gotten from most Klingons in her experience, and she could tell that he was already very dedicated to the ship and, it seemed, to them.

A few more minutes passed before the door opened again, and they all glanced up at a short woman with a pile of dark curls pooling from the top of her head down to her waist. Her dark, dark eyes were taking in the room, and Beverly remembered with a small twang of excitement that she was Betazoid, a species she had as of then had little opportunity to work with. She recalled the woman’s name--Deanna Troi--just as Picard said it, gesturing at the woman.

“Ah, you must be Counselor Troi. Feel free to sit down, we’re just waiting for a few more.” 

She nodded and said, “Thank you, sir.” She sat across from Beverly, and they made eye contact, Beverly somewhat fascinated with her eyes. She had never seen eyes so dark, and the way they matched her hair was quite striking. She felt, for some reason, a churning of nerves in her stomach, and she brushed her hair behind her ear, smiling at Deanna to ease not only the counselors’ nerves, but her own as well.

She turned back to Jean-Luc and had only managed to get out a few words before she heard Deanna inhale sharply. She glanced back over at her, and just managed to catch Deanna swallowing and adjusting her headband, like something was wrong. She was about to open her mouth and ask if she was alright when the door opened again, and tall, boisterous man walked in, mid-laughter.

He was William Riker, and she registered that his eyes went right Deanna, but her focus was stolen by a smaller, blonde woman stepping out from behind him. Her name was Tasha Yar, Beverly knew, but it seemed unimportant as she tried to understand the rapidly fading smile that was slipping off her face as she also looked at Deanna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't mean to end it on a cliff-hanger, but i knew i had to give you guys something! updates will hopefully come sooner now.
> 
> 5 songs for today's chapter:
> 
> How You Get the Girl by Taylor Swift  
> Endlessly by Muse  
> Lover by Taylor Swift  
> Something For Your M.I.N.D. by Superorganism  
> I Drove All Night by Céline Dion


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hghhghghg i'm such a slow writer i wait like two months between each chapter and i feel so BAD i hope to get this out faster in the future! i miss them a lot and i know y'all do too so i sincerely hope that my ass gets into gear, as they say.
> 
> make sure to wear your mask! we'll be out of this soon. stay hydrated and have a snack!
> 
> enjoy <3
> 
> -heath

It was one of those moments where time seemed frozen. For a second, Deanna hoped someone would say something, anything, to relieve her of the inescapable tension that had instantly tightened her shoulders and neck. Tasha looked sad, Will looked confused, Picard was opening his mouth to talk, the heat of Beverly’s stare was on her side, and she sat in the middle of all of it, trying desperately to think of...something.

Since Tasha’s accident, she thought Tasha was leaving Starfleet. She thought she was never going to see Tasha again. She thought Tasha was just another burned out flame in her past, another mistake in the charred edges of her history. She thought--

“Ah, everyone is here. Welcome, Number One, Lieutenant Yar. Please sit down.” Picard’s polite voice brought her back--back from being dangerously close to an edge she didn’t want to go over.

“Well,” Picard said, “I am very proud to have each and every one of you on my staff.” As Picard continued to talk about what the Enterprise was going to be like, Beverly looked at the new crew. William was a very domineering man, not only with his large figure but with his assured confidence. He looked like he knew he belonged, which Beverly supposed he did, but he also had smile on his face, like there was nowhere her would rather be.

Natasha was, to be honest, a little off putting. She sat, listening intently like everyone else, but she looked terrified, slouching slightly in her chair and stealing glances at Deanna, who Beverly could see was doing the same thing, her hands twisting together over and over on the table in some sort of cycle, ending with folded together fingers before molding again into contortions.

There was obviously something going on, but Beverly didn’t want to dwell on it too much. After all, she and Jean-Luc certainly had a history, so why judge others for the same? And she wanted to get to know all three of them--she wanted to get to know everyone, really. 

Her job came from a love of other people and her love of other people came from her job, and it all blended together into the desire to meet, to know, to encourage. Deanna, William, Natasha, Worf, and Geordi were young, and Beverly was glad to have some peers with a different perspective.

Picard concluded his speech, and bid them farewell, encouraging them to settle in and to get to know the ship more. Geordi and Data left rather quickly, their mouths moving a mile a minute with words Deanna couldn’t begin to understand. 

She smiled to herself--fast bonds were good to have on a senior staff, and she was glad both that Data wasn’t having an issue connecting to humans, and that Geordi was able to have a counterpart to what she had read was a very technologically advanced brain.

The feelings of the room that remained were tense, to say the least. Will was excited, somewhat nervous, and a little solemn. Tasha was harder to read but seemed to be shocked, mostly. And Beverly….Beverly was fascinating. Deanna could tell that in general, Beverly was a more stoic woman. She had some walls in there that Deanna could sense very clearly. But her emotions, the ones she was feeling, seemed sharper.

Her senses honed to them very tightly, and she could feel more nuance to them. Beverly was curious about something, but there was a hesitation as if she didn’t want to follow it. She was proud of herself for being here, but there was a sharp tinge of nerves underneath. She was...nostalgic for something, something that made her happy and sad to think about.

In the back of Deanna’s head, a thought popped up briefly. The last time she had connected this quickly to someone, it had been Will. But this thought was short-lived as she approached her two ex-partners.  _ Side note: ask the universe about just how bad someone’s luck can be _ , she thought. She knew she had to talk to Tasha first. After all, there was more to talk about, more emotions to be sorted through in order to feel comfortable...somewhat.

She reached the pair who were just starting to get up. For a moment, they all stood in silence. 

“Dee-” Tasha started, while at the same time Will spoke up.

“Deanna, I-”

Deanna, at the same time, said, “It’s been-”

Their voices created a short cacophony before all three of them stopped, Will and Tasha looking at each other in surprise. “You know Deanna?” Will said to Tasha, their height difference making the question almost oppressive seeming in the already awkward room.

Before Tasha could speak, Deanna placed a hand on Will’s arm. She merely needed to glance at him for him to back down, but she could feel the confusion seeping into her from both of them and knew it had to be dealt with. “Tasha, can we talk?” She nodded at Will and left, passing the busy bridge and stepping into the turbolift with Tasha soon behind.

As soon as they had travelled a little, Deanna called the lift to a halt. The tears that had been stinging behind her eyes for what felt like forever had finally surfaced, and she turned to face Tasha, whose disappointment she could practically touch.

“Tasha, I thought you left Starfleet. Why are you here?” She could feel her voice breaking already and tried to steady it, holding Tasha’s gaze as the blonde’s sadness started to push on her own.

“Deanna, Starfleet is the only place I’m safe. You know that-”

“Yes. I know all about that,” Deanna said coldly, her heart thudding with a warning she tried to ignore as Tasha flushed red. “I learned it when your sister dragged you back into a war with terrorists! A war that nearly killed you, war that you  _ hid from me _ , a war that hurt you so badly I thought I would never see you again. And when that was my biggest fear, you pushed me away! You cut me off right when I felt the most tied to you.”

Both of them were crying, and Deanna would have found it funny how badly her first day had failed to meet her expectations if not for the raw pain gnawing at her head. 

“Deanna, I’m sorry. But do you think I wasn’t hurting too? Besides the fact I was literally bleeding out, I had given in to being the person I promised not to be when I was with you. Did you know how much I missed you? I thought I was protecting you.”

Deanna managed a weak laugh through her tears. “I’m an empath, in case you forgot. I knew. That’s what made it worse.” She nearly spat the last words and for once, she felt genuine fear from Tasha. 

“I thought I knew what was best for you. And that was the biggest mistake I ever made.” Tasha stepped into her space, her arms extending to hug her.

Deanna pushed them away and took a shaky breath. “Tasha, you really hurt me. I know Starfleet is the only place you have and I can genuinely say that I’m glad you were able to get back here safely. But I don’t think I’m ready to be that close to you again. I know what you’re capable of and I’ll do my best to serve with you like officers should, because you deserve that. But please...try to stay away. For now.”

She turned away and heard sniffling, unsure if it was hers or Tasha’s over the roaring in her head, the screams of grief that reminded her all too well of a war. She swallowed and managed, “Computer, resume,” the ride full of silence, at least as seen from the outside.

Deanna couldn’t remember where or if they had ordered the turbolift somewhere, but she supposed Tasha must have sent them to the senior staff deck. She walked to her room slowly and sat on her bed, gazing at the unpacked bags around her. 

The thought of doing something remotely organized made her groan and lie down, closing her eyes as if to hide, to shield herself from the growing to-do list that seemed determined to tug on every emotion she had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Picard concluded his speech, Beverly watched Geordi and Data leave, catching tech words that brought to the surface old memories of an attempted tech class at Starfleet. She was going to speak to Deanna, interested about getting to know the woman. Counsellors were a very new position in Starfleet, and she was interested in getting to know her, as people in the medical field tended to be pretty agreeable.

She was also quite interested in the connections between her responsibilities for physical wellness and Deanna’s for mental wellness. However, she could see her getting up and approaching others, and she decided it would be best to find Wesley and get themselves settled in. After all, she had all the time in the world.

She found Wesley in engineering, chattering away with Geordi. “Wesley!” She called, moving towards him. “Are you allowed down here?”

Geordi smiled at her and said, “You didn’t tell me your mom was our CMO,” but his tone was light-hearted, and Beverly warmed seeing the smile it brought to Wesley’s face. He said to Beverly, “Beverly, right? I’m Geordi.”

Beverly smiled and shook his hand, saying, “Hi, Geordi. I see my son has warmed up to you fast.”

“Well, it isn’t often we have a prodigy on our hands, is it?” Geordi said, patting Wesley’s shoulder. Beverly couldn’t help her smile from growing. Friends had never been something that came easily to Beverly, but she already liked Geordi a lot.

“He is kind of a whiz. It’s a little embarrassing to be unable to help your son with homework when he’s only ten,” she said, causing a boisterous laugh from Geordi.

“You do know I’m here, right?” Wesley said. Beverly joined in Geordi’s continuous laughter and pulled Wesley to her side.

“It’s all out of love, Wes,” Beverly said, before looking back to Geordi. “Is it okay if I steal him back? Teenagers don’t unpack their suitcases willingly.”

Wesley groaned, but Beverly could see his eyes shining. She felt a flutter of pride, awe, and a little bit of sadness. He was growing up so fast, seeming to do so even faster with how smart he was. She was amazed at how fast a kid took a ship like this in stride, and glad he had someone. 

Wesley had never been one to complain about a lack of a father figure after Jean-Luc left, but Beverly could tell that he still needed one, if only from time to time. They bid goodbye to Geordi and stepped in the turbolift.

“Mom, I love it here, I’m so happy, Geordi told me that he would let me do some experiments with Data! Mom, have you met Data? He’s amazing, the technology in him must be so dense, but he’s so humanlike, and he really gets me, he always has an answer and Geordi’s a really amazing guy, he’s so nice…” He trailed off to catch his breath as Beverly watched with a smile. It seemed they would settle in nicely.

The two got to their quarters and began to unpack, small pockets of conversation flittering between them before Wesley was gone again, back to engineering probably. Beverly yawned and went over to her bed, finally letting out the breath she felt like her body had been holding.

Naps had become more frequent as Beverly got older, the weariness of her life and a child begging her body and mind for some extra rest. It had been a fleeting habit to hold as her medical duties got more intense, and she looked forward to getting some rest before meeting the rest of her staff.

She closed her eyes, letting the darkness wash over her as some last thoughts perched on the precipice of sleep. She was running through a quick to-do list-she had a lot of physicals to do tomorrow, about 30 staff under her command to meet, figuring out the finer details of Wesley’s schooling...there was a lot to do, but she couldn’t resist the rush of content filling her. Deep space was unnerving, but with a senior staff as kind and intelligent as she had observed and Jean-Luc in command, she was excited for a new chapter.

She woke up an hour later, satisfied with her power nap. As she tried to make her hair presentable again, her thoughts wandered to the counsellor Deanna. She was an interesting woman. She had an accent that Beverly had never heard much before--Betazoids are far and few between in such a mentally taxing job.

Her accent accompanied her striking beauty, with her dense curls of hair. She seemed to be a quieter person, like Beverly, but then again, she hadn’t had the chance to speak much. And then it seemed clear she had a past with people onboard--Beverly certainly knew what that felt like.

She was also impressed that someone young like Deanna had made it to the top in such a mature profession. This puzzling mix of facts Beverly knew compelled her to want to get to know the woman better, and she left her quarters, making her way a few doors down.

Deanna heard the chime at her door, and wiped her eyes, sniffing. “Come in,” she said, hoping her eyes weren’t red. It was Beverly, who stepped in confidently and immediately stopped. Deanna guessed that meant her eyes were red.

“I can come back, I..” Beverly said, stepping backwards towards the door.

“No...stay. Please,” Deanna said, getting up. She wasn’t sure why she said it. She barely knew Beverly, and a crying wreck was not the person she wanted to present to her, nor did she want to drag the woman down. But something in her needed a person, and the calmness she found in Beverly’s head seemed to be the perfect match. She waved Beverly over to the couch area as she sat.

Beverly settled into a chair, unsure of what to say. Deanna had clearly been crying about something quite hard. She wasn’t really expecting that, but something in her heart tugged her forward. 

She wasn't sure what it was--she wasn’t a mean person, but asking someone she barely knew why they were crying wasn’t exactly something she did either. But seeing Deanna hurt made her unsettled, as if someone like her didn’t deserve it.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She said softly, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. Deanna gave her a small smile. Beverly’s emotions seemed somehow more vibrant when the two of them were alone. She couldn’t recall connecting to emotions like this before with someone she had known for mere hours, but something in Beverly’s eyes, in the pure kindness in her mind, in the grace with which she held herself in the chair made Deanna feel like she knew her already, like she had known her.

She didn’t want to open up deeply, though. She wasn’t really sure how she wanted to proceed with Tasha anyway after giving her initial words a solid hour of crying and reflection. She opted for saying, “Thank you. It’s just a little overwhelming to have a big future like this being permeated by the past.”

Beverly thought her word choice was beautiful, and she sat in silence for a little, amazed at Deanna’s dignity. “I understand,” she said, the words somehow feeling cushioned and safe in the room. “Sometimes the past has a nasty habit of showing up where you least want it. But it’s still the past, and at the end of the day, we can take the parts of it we want close to us.”

Deanna felt herself softening. Beverly’s voice was very soothing, and Deanna was intrigued by how deep her words went without revealing much of the emotion she knew Beverly had inside. She liked her. She was a beautiful redhead with a fast-working head and a sensitive heart, and Deanna could tell, somehow, that she was going to get closer with Beverly in the future.

She smiled and said, “Thank you, Beverly. You’re the wisdom I needed right now.”

Beverly felt her cheeks flush a little. She still wasn’t the best with compliments, and she said, “I don’t know you that well yet, Deanna, but I know I want to.” 

Deanna said, “Me too.” Beverly’s emotions danced in her head like little sparkling lights, and at the moment, she didn’t want anything more than to just sit in their silence, letting Beverly’s calm spread through the room. 

Beverly spoke up right then, however, saying, “This might be weird, but can I hug you?” Deanna let out a laugh and nodded.

Beverly shifted from her chair to the couch and drew Deanna into her arms, wrapping the small woman to her chest and squeezing lightly. Deanna’s arms circling her felt warm and her fingers tapped lightly on Beverly’s shoulder blades.

She smelled good too--Beverly felt embarrassed for noticing it, and she whispered, “It’ll be okay, Deanna. Our journey is just beginning.”

And in her arms, in the peace of the room, Deanna believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 songs for this chapter:
> 
> willow by Taylor Swift  
> Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac  
> Arms Unfolding by dodie  
> It's Nice To Have A Friend by Taylor Swift  
> imagine by Ariana Grande


End file.
